She's been gone just over two months. I miss her more than I even had imagined that I would. I know in in my heart and soul all the things... She's in a better place now, her pain has been replaced with peace , she's with Grandpa again her true love. I wouldn't change that, yet grief shows up so unexpectedly in little ways. A photo comes up in my Facebook memories, or while cleaning up my voicemail on my phone I come across one from her. Of course, I can't help but listen and hear her sweet voice again. Today it was picking dahlias. They are growing and blooming so beautiful in front of the window , where in spring I planted them for her . Now, there is just an empty room behind that window, and I ached for a glimpse of her still.

Nine years ago when it was no longer possible for her to live alone on the beloved family farm she moved. The beauty in this difficult move for her is that she rented a house right next door to me and my young family. It was such a privilege for me to get to reciprocate some of the tenderness, love, and care she had given me through out my life. Few are blessed to have that kind of relationship with their Grandmother, and I will cherish it forever.

Every single day of those nine years weren't easy, some were filled with frustration , and some were just hard. But they were beautiful, and worth it, and often I would give anything just to have one of them back to sit and talk with her . However, I learned long ago living in the past is not a place I want to stay, and its in the moving on where real growth happens.

Grandma taught me many things , one of them being a love of dahlias. We would scour over the pages of Breck's Bulb magazine together, marking all the pages, and making a wish list of what we'd like to order. (most of hers being purple). And every spring I would plant bulbs we had ordered, bought locally , or dug up from the previous year in the flower beds near the picture window of her home. She could set in her chair and see them. I won't lie they are a troublesome little plant at times. Sometimes the bulbs would rot or freeze before I could get them dug in the fall. Often the plant would grow so tall and so full of large blooms I would have to drive stakes and tie them up . It didn't matter though, one look at those big gorgeous blooms and all that was forgotten . I would pick them often for her and fix bouquets in her house.

I believe that's where the grief came from, the dahlias are amazing this year. It's a beautiful fall, and I miss being able to share it with her.

As I look at them , and I think about how to do life without her...I am reminded of my very own words I spoke in her eulogy. Quoted from Taylor Swift's song "Marjorie" which just so happened to be Grandmas name.

"Never be so kind, you forget to be clever,
Never be so clever you forget to be kind,
And if I didn't know better
I'd think you were here with me now
I'd think you were still around
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive in my head.
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive in my heart.
You're so alive, so alive.

Grandma my be gone, however she continues to live on through me and all of us, in our heads, hearts, and souls. In the choices I make, and in the way I choose to live my life every single day.

Its time for me to use all the wisdom I learned from her and apply it to my own life, goals , and dreams.

Just as those dahlias keep on living, flourishing, blooming , and growing , I will too.

Its time .

For real growth.

Growth: The process of change , the evolution of self blooming from adversity . ~amberroybyn.co

It's time to share my stories, of growth, life, and all its truth, goodness , & beauty.