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Just Breathe & Write…
Today is just one of those days… heavy , suffocating really…You know, it doesn’t matter what I seem to accomplish or what I set out to do , every single thing takes extra effort, and seems to add weight to the rather large elephant that I am sure is standing on my chest.
I am not really pouting or complaining either …I genuinely enjoy most of the things in my life but today …today nothing comes easy.
Warning: I may allow myself to be a bit vulnerable here, which I am not good at.
The very first thing I do when I have a “suffocating ” day is start to guilt my self for not having a better attitude or for not being grateful for how blessed I am …. blah, blah, blah… I am not June Cleaver in Super Woman’s body and unless I am some sort of super hero this is just plain normal! Life is full of weighty type things.. illness, child raising, helping teens write speeches, hormones, dirty laundry , politics, media, and the list goes on… Some days are just going to be hard, right?
All morning I tried to figure out what the heck was going on, and my heart kept saying Breathe (insert eye rolling here) and write. I know all sorts of statistics and studies show how effective deep breathing can be, but I’ve just never really got it. Anyhow, I listened and decided I would spend the afternoon doing just that , in the mountains of course!
I began by having a little pampering, and then I took a walk, taking time to breathe the mountain air, and take in all the beautiful fall foliage & colors , and listen to the sound of the water on the river & feeling the warmth of the sunshine on my face, (all while snapping at least a million pictures!) Thats when I got it!…the breathe part…. Oh, Ive been breathing just fine but not taking in what I , my heart, my soul whatever you want to call it, needed. It was lacking just like being oxygen deprived. It was obvious why everything was so heavy, I needed to breathe… breathe in some of life simple pleasures that I enjoy and make me who I am. Slow and purposeful time . I get so consumed by taking care of everyone & everything else…I hold my breath.
So simple. Just a walk in my one of my favorites places and the elephant is gone…the burdens of life aren’t as heavy…and I’m a better person, wife, mother, &friend…
Breathe & Write
Mountain Magpie…really?
magpie:
- any of several jay like birds characterized by black-and-white coloring, a long, tapering tail, and a habit of noisy chattering
- a person who chatters
- a person who collects odds and ends
My story and reason behind this whole blog and name…
Some may call it a midlife crisis, but I prefer to call it reality. Reality , that is of the fact that I am officially middle aged…sigh… and my children are growing up & leaving home more quickly than I ever could imagined. Big deal ? It happens to everyone. Yes, it most certainly does, and as I watch my friend’s children leave home and my personal journey begins, the tragedy I see isn’t the fact that our beautiful children are equipped and independent enough to go and spread their wings and start a journey of their own , no the tragedy is that so many Mama’s suddenly lose their identity they have through the children. Become sort of misplaced and unsure of what lights that fire deep inside their soul that has been kindled for so long. I never minded for one minute putting a damper on my own personal needs for there was absolutely nothing in the world I wanted to be more than a Mama. Bringing babies into this world wasn’t the easiest process for me. I battled infertility for five years and had two miscarriages. It broke my heart. I all I wanted was just one . Just one. When I was at my low, low in the whole infertility craziness I prayed to God to just give me an answer. Would I ever be a Mama? I was willing to hear no, my trust was in Him, but I wasn’t willing to wonder anymore. I needed to move on. I let my Bible fall open and these are the words He spoke to me: Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ” That’s when I knew, I would be a Mama some day , but my focus was all wrong… I had taken my eyes off Him , and let infertility, babies, negative pregnancy, tests, blank stares from doctors, friends & family having babies all around me… harden my heart a bit. From that moment on I didn’t need a time or date , I just knew when I began to “delight’ myself in the Lord again my life would change. I moved on , joy replaced pain . It wasn’t in my control anymore. Yay!
Fast forward about three months… I was the sickest girl you have ever seen. and for the first time in over five years … two pink lines. We were having a baby!
present…19 years … 1 girl & 3 boys later… filled with life, death, marriage, having a family business, and homeschooling later…
My babies aren’t babies anymore and Lord knows neither am I! I have spent the past several months “soul searching” if you will… I’ve learned a lot about my self … and I still have much to learn, but thats part of the journey or adventure I am on. Now, it the time to make sure I begin to nuture the things inside my heart that make me who I am and slowly simplify my life making room for all the things that really matter. And when these beautiful children that I have poured my life heart & soul into over the past few decades are gone I will be O.K. I will be more than O.K. I will be secure in who I am without them under my roof. Of course I will continue to be involved in their lives ,but it will look different. I will continue to “Delight ” myself in the Lord … writing, blogging, spending time in the mountains I love so much, being outdoors, running , junking, cooking ,and creating a beautiful spaces. This list of things is where the name comes together. I am a bit like a magpie, you know, … chattering & collecting. Somewhat eclectic. I love, love the mountains and whenever I visit or hike my favorite places there are tons of magpies there. Not only do I think they are a beautiful bird (black and white are my two favorite colors),but I really enjoy the sound of them. Whenever I see one it just makes me smile.
So this is it. The end of some of the former things in my life. The beginning of the new adventure…as “Mountain Magpie”…and here is where I will capture and share the experience.
with Brave wings She flies…
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